Humour Archives - bas itna coffee hai

Types of Travellers Found in the Delhi Metro Women’s Coach

Vidhi — Sun, 14 Jan 2018 02:06:10 +0000

It’s a pity that Delhi is such a fun cosmopolitan city but public transport is so inconvenient at times. If you find roads to be heavily flooded with cars at every hour of the day, the metro isn’t any better. Because we are just that populated, I kid you not. If you happen to be an average college-going or working human bean who’s never had the luxury of being driven around by a guy that your family pays for, you’re forced to travel with pretty much everybody else in Delhi, at the same time, often to the same location because there’s just that many of us, (seriously the odds get higher everyday). And travelling with the rest of the world might suck to the highest degree but it’s also the best way to entertain yourself.

You would have seen these people for sure.

1. There’s always a woman with the biggest phone screen that lets everybody in that coach follow her Whatsapp conversation with “my love <3” about whether he’s had breakfast yet. She’ll continue to stare into her phone with the biggest smile and cheeks so red even Snow White’s poisoned apple would get a complex.

2. You may have had a tough time at work and might’ve thanked your stars for getting a seat in the metro (mark that glorious day on your calendar), but an aunty coming from Rajouri market with shopping bags as big herself would forcefully fit herself next to you by saying “adjust ho jao, beta”, if she spots so much as tinge of silver colour of that seat. This is the same aunty who is the first one to push her way in with her chubby elbows and diamond cutting bangles when the door opens. No, you can’t wish the door closes on her fat belly the next time she does that.

3. A huge group of giggling girls is a sight so common and dangerous you finally get why it was hard for Harry and Ron to ask a girl out to the Fire Yule Ball. They stand together like a set of skittles, completely oblivious to their surroundings which explains their synchronised high pitched voices that give you full insight into how one of their’s crush is chasing this other girl. We hate this other girl.

4. Delhi upholds its image of an unsafe city by making sure no girl travels the train without becoming aware of her own presence through the eyes of perverted uncles whose justification for staring would be “dekh hi toh rahe hain.” They can be easily spotted by way of their constant piercing gaze and their flirting tactics that involve humming to the tune of an old odd love song.

5. The women’s coach has its own set of judgemental human beans who often make you question your choice of clothing. You could be dressed to your personal best and a random woman with filed nails would still make you feel shit about your top or your shoes or anything that can be found at fault.

6. Metros always have just enough space for you to stand if you cut off both your arms and donate your luggage. But that doesn’t stop people who boarded the train when it was relatively empty to sit on the floor, because they take first-come-first-serve a little too seriously.

7. Delhiites have no sense of self-consciousness because their selfie game is so strong even the most crowded coaches can’t stop them from getting that perfect angle. The number of women who have solo selfies as their phone wallpapers makes you wonder whether narcissism is taught as a separate subject in schools.

8. Making your way past couples becomes a task when they stick to each other like conjoined twins who will die before they lose each other’s hands. Their raging hormones take over their nervousness and make everybody around them feel second-hand awkwardness.

9. The metro is pretty much the best thing that happened to this city and as punctual as you might want to be by riding the metro, you’d still find yourself getting late because the person in front of you has too many texts to respond to. Just when you start considering tryouts for Olympics when you’re three inches away from the door that’s about to close, Satan decides to board this very train before you alight. You can feel almost feel this door shut on your face perhaps making you lose that nose you are so proud of.

10. When little kids aren’t having the time of their life around metro poles, poles are used by people as an extra spine to support their flailing body parts because suddenly balancing your own body is too strenuous. You’d always find these people leaning on to poles like they’re their own personal IV drips, detaching from which just might lead to their deaths.

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Family Gatherings in India

Vidhi — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 07:10:13 +0000

Indian families know how to stick together and they would go to lengths to make sure nobody dare accuse them of being anti-social. They’re social from level 1: which would be talking to people outside their houses for hours in night suits, to level max: travelling 700 kms to some hill station with their entire families stuffed in a van. This Christmas is another excuse for meeting in large numbers even though most of us don’t even celebrate it or know what exactly the festival is. These gatherings almost always pan out in the same manner. Here’s a list of every Indian family gathering ever.

1. Aunties you don’t recall ever meeting saying “arre kitni badi ho gayi! Itni si thi jab last time dekha tha.” Now this “last time” could be the day you were born (which would make sense because since then you’ve grown five and a half feet tall, graduated, had three different relationships, been on eight trips, met more than a gazillion people and had seven mental breakdowns), or last year at some wedding when you’re certain you looked pretty much how you look now.

2. Little kids whom you are not sure if are your cousins or your nephews and nieces. This confusion doesn’t last long because their parents make you talk to them and introduce you by saying “ye dekho, ye aapke bhaiya hain, chalo hello bolo?” and you stand there just as clueless as that kid wondering whether you should make the first move and say ‘hello’. You’re forced to shake the toddler’s germy hand and strike a conversation because you can feel his/her mother looking at you expectantly, patiently waiting for you to play with her kid.

3. Out of the blue these clearly introverted kids are then asked to recite a poem in front of literally every blood relative, or dance because they moved about once in their house last week. When they don’t budge because they can feel a lifetime of stagefright ahead, they’re asked “accha clapping kar do…yay!”

4. Misogynistic uncles who think women only like to gossip over the phone, spend “the breadwinner’s money” on jewellery and enjoy cleaning and cooking, would introduce their wives to each other and expect them to stay in a group while they get together to get drunk in a corner.

5. Relatives who ask you about your career plans for the nth time, who have no idea about your discipline and make the most generic statements to make you feel better about being anything but a doctor, engineer and lawyer. For instance, when you tell them you’re doing philosophy they say “haan philosophy ke bache toh bohut thoughtful hote hain.”

6. All the parents who stay up till 4 in the morning playing taash (cards) laugh more loudly than what their jokes deserve.

7. Cousins who outrank you in every field, the reason why you’ll never be good enough for your parents because “sharma ji ki ladki ke toh 98% aaya.” Only in this case you’re both Sharmas and you’re the Sharma who is a disgrace to all Sharmas, which is worse.

8. Recipes of that particular dinner being shared around the room after the cook has been sufficiently praised by everybody.

9. Families who consider themselves better than the rest, judge and try to ridicule everybody left, right and centre because they think life is just like the soap operas they watch on a daily basis.

10. That hour when everybody decides it’s high time they left but someone yells “ek cup chai pi kar jana” and they all stay back for another hour…or day. When they finally do get up and hug goodbyes, it’s another long process of kids pretending to refrain from accepting money from elders as their parents look on with embarrassment when the kids eventually give in.

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Things That Happen During Exam-Time

Vidhi — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 21:14:23 +0000

It is that time of the year again when anything that contains any sort of caffeine can be found in your home. Or to be precise, in your room, on your table or your bed (because lol who even studies on a study table?) Yes, the horror that is the exams. This is the same time when falling down the stairs and breaking your legs seems more tempting than actually sitting down to study. You may not be able to walk again for a while, but hey, at least now you have a legit reason to skip exams. And if you’re anything like me, then feel guilty about that too and overthink to unhealthy extremes about how you still have one semester’s exams pending. If this rings a bell then this should be your cue to approaching a psychiatrist.

Alternately, you can continue reading and feel worse about yourself.

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You chose unwisely.

1. A week before your first exam, reality kicks in and your brain starts panicking. But this doesn’t stop your real brain (yep, the one that is eagerly waiting for your TV shows to return because…priorities) to still spend all the available time sleeping in. Your bed mysteriously starts preparing your body for hibernation and your fifteen minute naps convert to eighteen hours of deep sleep paralysis.

2. And if that isn’t enough, you spend all of your waking time arranging books and fancy stationery with irrelevant props to click pretentious Instagram-worthy pictures because would it really be exam-time if there wasn’t any unnecessary insta-activity?

3. When that adequately freaks your friends out who frantically text you saying “bro, how much are you studying?”, you come clean and immerse yourself into a long (and redundant) conversation cribbing and complaining about just how much you’re supposed to study, only to realise later that you could’ve easily just studied instead of whining.

4. Nonetheless, knowing all your friends are equally screwed gives you unmatched satisfaction. You may fail but so will they. You know you’re in this together. *Cue high school musical “we’re all in this together” song*

5. When you do decide to get out of those layers of blankets which are thicker than the topsoil, you find the imprint of your butt on your bed because the last time you got up was back in 1832.

6. Healthy exam-time diet is a myth to you because exams become an excuse for binge-eating of the worst kind. You are what you eat starts making sense when you’ve eaten so many chips you find yourself becoming a potato.

7. Furniture beetles start their own families and welcome new generations before you even finish reading that paragraph.

8. You suddenly become the most religious person to walk this earth. God may not be able to grant you your wishes but your mom certainly is over the moon when she spots you praying. You also happen to make the most insane and unrealistic wishes where you swear you will donate all your pocket money to every holy place built.

9. Insanity really takes its course when you start fantasising about winging your paper super well and coming home to give your family the good news and being met with garlands and sweets.

10. We all know how things turn out though. *Sleeping with the book that’s been open since the printing press was founded. All bodily systems slow down while you feel your brain deteriorating.*

Now you happen to look at the time and realise how you wasted another day reading this shit while sitting on what you were expected to do. Just let that sink in.

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